[Poems to My Killer] Farewell Words.


Too proud, strong baby. I won’t kneel, I won’t bow.

I accepted the title, the heartless ice queen.

I was too weak but couldn’t show it.

Just to save my face, I smiled and gave them a heavenly look.

I smiled and poisoned their joy.

I laughed when they thought they won.

I watch from a distant, I hold on to my heart.

I have nothing else to fight for, no one left to hold on to.

I’m frozen inside, the answer is always stay strong.

To hell with all this strength, to hell with all your lies.

I just wanna close my eyes, and to my heart I will hold on and hide.

 

 

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[Poems to my Killer] Blame


They said love is blind, oh baby you re so blind.

You no longer need the truth, lies you no longer mind.

I have heard them all sweetie, your lies won’t work here.

She have done it all, I have seen it all.

Her lies are living, surviving here near.

Her scent is filling the air making you look like a fool.

He told me, his eyes turning painful ice and that’s what he told me.

He took all his broken pieces and built that wall around him so high.

He’s so good he’s a master, broking down my walls yet I can’t do more just touching his walls and wonder how high he built them.

Ugly, is that feeling when you fall in love with a heart as cold as stones.

Precious and shinning in the outside, cold and cemented inside.

A heart that serve just his purpose of living.

All his feelings are just so beautiful until you try and touch them, they vanish.

All his promises are perfect until you needed them, and they are gone.

All his love unforgettable, that my goal that’s what I need to accomplish.

I wonder if its all true… I wonder if he’s true…

[Class Zero] I can’t wait to try! #001


Normally like everyone else, I make plans for the new year and I like telling myself I should follow them and that I must do great and better in the next year.

And normally, I fail every year in most of the points I list.

Yet, to my surprise it happens that I gain something instead of the ones I failed to achieve and honestly its really even better ’cause its unexpected.

I get out of every year with more experiences, more ideas, more confidence that I can keep moving forward and do something good with my life.

That’s great.

But this year I’m not going to wait around and enjoy failing without a good fight. Continue reading

[My] Tolstoy’s Revolution


The one line that kept me thinking while I was sick lately was Tolstoy‘s first line of Anna Karenina, I spent my days in bed thinking of that line again and again.

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

I don’t need to tell how that one line proved over a century ago how smart and witty and simply stunning Tolstoy was, you will need to read one of his beautiful works to understand there’s no other way.

Back to one of the most beautiful beginnings in literature, that line happens to catch a picture of my life [and by saying my life I meant life around me not exactly myself] not just now but my whole life.

For it’s not just me but also everyone in my life face that struggle of/to happiness in a way or another, the only difference is where were you standing or the point you reached with that struggling.

Then that line clouded my mind and I just thought there must be some reason for that, and I started a jealousy fight with Tolstoy’s genius to feed my troubled mind.

Being happy for everyone/all families is being content, that cancels the strive to do things and the need for more so it’s a full stop. That I came to understand from Tolstoy, also the being content is just a bag and everything inside reasons happiness; so to be happy you need to content.

Being unhappy, though it might be in many ways it’s the ultimate result of being not content in some way.

If I thought of it in this way -the way I understood Tolstoy-, I find myself comparing what is supposed to be accepted plainly and what’s wanted or needed.

Living in a Middle Eastern society, you are supposed to accept things as they are or as you are told and that is how you are supposed to be happy. In fact even if I hate politics and avoid talking of it, that is why a whole older generation was against youth in the revolutions in the Arab Spring for simply happiness for them is a full stop and just accepting things as they are even if it’s not normal or fair.

Back to my mind’s fight between content and not content.

Tolstoy, if he believed that happiness or simply “being content” is just everything wouldn’t he simply write a novel and a master piece of pure happiness accepting things as they are and putting the full stop all just in his unique way?!!

Levin’s* complicated portray of Tolstoy made it clear how unbalanced and lost Tolstoy was, he was not content and unhappy and did have and I quote (some religious crisis while writing Anna Karenina) even Levin went through it too.

That man wrote Anna Karenina, and turned a society upside down.

No, his unhappy not content self did that.

The struggle within him did that.

The beautiful out-of-control need did that.

And my mind was finally letting go of jealousy, while looking at my book and reading the name Leo Tolstoy I smiled knowing we share something.

*Constantine Dmitrich Levin is a self portray and a character in Tolstoy’s book Anna Karenina which these thoughts are inspired of.

I’m a Tolstoy fan girl and I need to apologize for his other fans if they came here by chance and did not like what they read, this is a piece of work for just myself joy and pleasure.

Untitled Story.


This is a very short story.

This is a very useless one.

This story needs no body, needs everybody’s attention.

This story’s ’bout a girl.

That girl died. That’s not a problem is what everyone thinks.

Death is as I heard the one & only true fact of our lives.

To many, her death is not a problem.

That girl was so depressed, that girl never smiled.

That girl tried to get help, that girl tried to fight.

That girl died, leave guilt muddying this world’s way.

That girl was our mistake, I won’t be calling her that girl if I knew her but again that’s our mistake.

That girl death has a reason actually, she was trying to get a little book but it was hard.

She wanted to read of something  that she really wanted to try.

How to smile, that was the book behind the death of that girl I’m telling the story of.

Everyone thought she’s not worth even the little to get her the book, though she tried it was never enough.

Why that girl was depressed???

A reason or two or even hundred, never will it be fair for a girl not to know how to smile.

That girl died while hold a tiny piece of paper, holding it like holding dear life.

That paper had one word written: A Smile.

Next to the word  happens the problem, when that girl drew a smile.

That girl's Smile

A Smile

Queen, The Beautiful Girl.


Sitting there in the street looking so tired & lost, she keeps waiting for everyone, maybe anyone to give her some of these shiny coins or one of these papers that we buy food with. She looks at the people passing by her everyday & wonders, why they are not happy??! You look at her & see a girl unlike girls in this world, smiling. Just smiling all the time, & it’s like she owns the world, she owns the world with her smile.

She has a world with her “almost” pare feet, old clothes, & dirty hair. The world changes, things come things go, things change, people change but she & her smile still and stay winning forever against all that. Such a unique charm that makes you follow it everywhere just to get some of the magic filling the air around her. We see her everyday but none of us ever thought or wondered, does she ever see us???.

The answer to that comes from the like a sun shinning eyes, & her hair that style itself to frame her face , her lovely face that captivate you once you take the moment to taste the sweetness hiding inside it, her old dress redesigned itself to make her look like a piece of art, and even her almost a shoes worth nothing but completing the picture.

I found that, she acts like blind, she never see but joy. She smile like she’s not here hearing us, she only hear beauty. And finally but not the end, she hardly talk, because she can say nothing but what tastes sweet to her innocent mind.

I asked the boy sitting there always next to her to tell me ’bout her name, he said “No one knows it but I can tell you that she’s Queen”.

He Never Talk… Silence Story


Sitting in front of each other, no one know what to say, not a single idea, a real weired silence that makes you wanna scream and scream.

She’s looking at him, monitoring every single move like he was the sun, or maybe her god. He’s not even aware of her golden eyes memorizing his perfect lying face, or maybe his soul is what she’s really looking for.

He’s wish someone was here, any one other than her, he doesn’t want to hurt her, he doesn’t want to lie, but he’s doing both. He didn’t stop soon enough and also he can’t love her even if she offered him the whole world love. He can’t understand that she’s a real woman and like any real woman she can smell the lie, but with love blinding her, she’s hopeless.

He had a quick glance at her from time to time, playing with her hair and biting in a lazy way on her lips, she’s so sweet, a dream come true for every real man ,and it’s not only ’bout how she looks like, he know so well how smart she can be if she didn’t hide it under her sweet smile, she never grow up with he childish beauty.

She’s trying to make him notice her, she can go down on her knees and beg, just to get that warm look he used to give her, she can do a lot, she can do something many and any, she can go to the end, just to get that warm look again. She love him, she love that she love him, she love her life when she love him, she love her love for him.

He’s far away and she know that, it’s not just this table separating them, it’s a whole world and she’s ready to love him with all of that too.