The Ghost P.1


The Ghost

•As I planted my heels upon his so-called strong chest, to where his heart lay, my roots found their way through the thick masculinity of his body, into the deepest of his heart…I can see it, he’s going down, sinking so fast and he ain’t fighting it anymore just letting it take over him. I caught him of guard…

“You still believe in” I took a deep breath before saying it “Love???” I was holding his eyes with mine, locking it so I can see or at least try to read that mind of his that was always like a maze to me and now it’s being solved slowly in front of me making me realize how fool I was to find it hard before. “Tell me now, you still love me?!!” moving closer, he was closing the already little space between us, just inches away he stood face so close to mine, his breath already sending shivers all over my body every time it fans my face. We were just trapped into this staring challenge, none of us wanting to break free.

Taking my hand in his, I was watching his every move now waiting to see the knife falling over my heart, holding my hand tight –making sure I won’t be able to run away- he broke free of my the eye challenge never minding that I’m now a winner, he bowed down taking my hands closer to his lips, kissing the back of my hands and letting his lips stay there for second and I was dying, praying they just pass by fast so I can breathe again. Without warning he broke away from the long breathe taking mission of his and crushed my hand over his heart, my heart beating was fast and that moment it went crazy with the same rhyme of his heart. I almost did not hear his voice talking to me with the loud beating of his heart and mine. “That’s what you exactly do to me, you crush everything every feeling every thought every other life but you once you smile that smile for me. If I can’t love you anymore then I can live a human no more”.

He let go of my hand, I thought it’s already over but he went down on both of his knees, head still bowed so I can’t really see into his eyes or read his face. “I’m guilty with loving you as my only dear crime, you either punish me and leave, or forgive my sweet mistake and stay, but I can’t deny it my dear love I’m guilty and will do it all over again every day every second every breathe left for me I’ll fall in love with you again till the only true end of my poor life”. I knew I’m in love with him even if I did not admit it, but right now it feels like he’s doing it all over again and making me fall for him yet again like a school girl having an affair with her first innocent crush, I just lose control when it comes to that part of my heart that beats only for him. He wakes up buried feelings that I thought never existed within my aching heart, he wakes up my every sense with the mere existence of him around. Either joy or pain he is leading my feeling to, he do it very well. Controlling the way I hurt and the way I laugh, making that go making this come back. My love, my sweet painful love, I love you, I love you so much and the same much I yearn to let it out to the whole living world but………… But how am I supposed to cure that wound you opened in my heart??? He did not move or say anything and my tears -I tried so hard to stop them- they were burning me and I needed to let them free, maybe they will wash away some of the pain or turn of the fire burning with me.

I took a few steps back until my back hit the wall and I started going down leaning on it for support so I won’t look too weak than I already feel, and now at the same level –on the same floor we shared smiles over- I can see his face, see his eye and his tears……. And I wonder, I wonder why??? Ain’t you the one who turned this beautiful picture to just some fading colors the rain took away any beauty or meaning it used to hold!!! Ain’t you the one who opened the door of this little heaven for the summer heat to melt away!!! Ain’t you the one who hurt me???

The only thing -might be -forgiving to you now is those memories, the ones you close your eyes in front when you took the knife and plugged it inside of my heart, the same heart that was totally yours, that was beating and still beats for you. I keep looking at you knowing so well that you can’t look me in the eyes and can’t even stop crying for you know that you sin is bigger than that –Shakespearian– confession. God, I acted strong for so long waiting for this moment of victory to satisfy my wounded ego but I did not count a moment of weakness, I did not know I hurt that much and hiding that much pain. I looked up at the ceiling, resting my spinning head on the wall and let out a breathe bothering me for being too heavy, now I should be punishing him for every tear I cried, for every second I passed -yet felt as someone who- died, for every smile I faked, for every joy I missed and most of all for all that love for him I still felt. As my tears dried and I felt a bit strong and human again I looked back at him sitting motionless as if time stopped with him, even his tears, those tears I never saw before, still taking away his strength to come out to this world showing me things I don’t know yet what they actually mean.

•After all that I got up, my knees barely holding me straight and went to him. As a baby he was just following my every move in silence, I took his hands and went to the toilet I washed my face quickly and quietly then turn to him, I already washed my hands with the water still running marking the only sound of life around us, with my hands still wet I washed his face with my still wet hands and again like a mother and a child he was quite all the way while I washed his face from any salty tears left and took a towel drying his face then mine and my hands.

Thinking it’s all just enough for both of us what happened for now, we can breakdown some time later. I took him to my gray couch; I looked at his face planning to tell him one word and then go lock myself in my room but I found him looking at me and before I get the chance to tell him sleep or take a nap he suddenly grabbed my hand sat me on the couch and stunned me, trapped me actually with his head over my lap while he took my left hand between his hands and closed his eyes to sleep but not before telling me “One last time, let me sleep like this just this one last time”.

He closed his eyes, and time was dancing around enjoying those minutes and hours he gets to steal from us when he called for me –while he’s sleeping- “My Queen, oh My Queen”. That’s when I found that my eyes still can run another show and not done yet with tears…. How can he say it again, and thinking I was going to let it go and hold on to him again but he can’t change the truth that he once hurt me and the undeniable hurt will hunt me for some more pain again and again. I ignore that he loves me and that he is guilty too but that won’t stop my heart from beating for his words, for his perfume now lingering all over marking me as his again for my mind in case it hold me back from him again for a second, but I knew that all this won’t matter for I love him…

Always did, always will, his words that I so believed and then it happened to mean nothing when a painful storm clouded our little heaven to commit a shameful murder to our new born love, stealing the future promise we were holding for it, so much pain I felt someone is using my heart to turn off a cigarette, so much emptiness that I felt myself so stupid. I was blind I know that now, handing my whole world to a devil wearing red high-heals over like giving away my old clothes. And the question history and humanity did not know any answer for it yet comes again hitting me like it hit millions of hearts before with the force of a sword stabbing and the criminal here will always end up being your own hand, the question of WHY???

What makes every why hurt even more is knowing that he never closed the back door for her return in case she ever did, so it won’t be hard for her to come back for more and she will come back for more. He said it’s a painful mistake and he’ll never do it again but as sweet those words seem he is even sweeter and he’ll do it again, he loves her??? I never can tell, but he came back to me and that means I’ve the right not to let him go back for her even if she’s true. I get that its selfish of me to do that but if I did not stand up for her hurricane and cleaned all that left of her yesterday storm I won’t be holding you the way I used to, there will be a smell of her sucking the air around us killing more of the dreams we long to share.

While he’s sleeping, I lean closer my right finger toying a little with his hair and my dry lips getting closer to his ears and I whisper what I wanted to say knowing he can’t reply and won’t be looking me in the eye seeing what I’m hiding even from myself. “I can’t forget…. I can’t forget how I loved you or how you lied when I trusted you”, small pearl like tears were dancing over my face down to my chin “I look at you and see beautiful things we shared and cherished, but I see nights without a single moment of sleep and long hours and days of pain, none of them wanting to go away so the other can rest and win”.

Moments passes with no sound then “It was just you”, he was listening to me and his only reply did nothing to stop the pain growing within me, I moved away and let him sleep over the couch while I got up put my shoes on and left everything behind me “I’ll be back” I just needed to be alone and away from you actually but I can get my mind to tell my tongue to say that too, I turn to look at him sitting there looking at the floor “Please don’t leave, yet” I have no idea what was that last part for.

A beautiful night, it’s like never before, like a melody seducing me to stay a little longer and fool around until the sunrise so we can both go home and rest to start it all over later. Loving how this night is stealing from me things I did not want to hold anymore, and I can’t wait for it to take away more of that I don’t want; I know it might feel free to take more than I want to offer but this ain’t the problem now… I just need to live a little peace with this so beautiful night before morning takes it away.

•I left my anger, my pain for the night to toy with, wanting to lose both for something like forever. I came back and now looking trying to find him the one I’m looking for never expecting to find his exactly where I left him. I left him angry, painfully strong and now I came back as a human ignoring all the pain and looking out for everything out there that could be and will be better for us. I walked to him “You are here” I said sounding shocked a little but the joy I felt was so clear there better the words that I went red knowing I didn’t do any good job to hide it, he looked at me with a smile hiding a bit over his manly handsome face. “I have a question, more of a favor actually” I went on saying, he stood up and smiled such a brand new smile that I never saw one like in a long time “Go on”.

“Never smile that smile on your face for anyone else, can you do that???” I felt rude and bossy but happy that his smile was growing and shining more right now still I felt even better knowing that I put it there. I love that smile, always did especially when I do remember that its mine. He started moving closer but just as he was so close he stopped and was looking at something behind me, something I can’t hear or see now as I suddenly felt so heavy like being crushed in my own little world. I looked down, my shirt was getting wet, my shirt was turning red and I looked at him begging for any answer but I only got a look of horror that won’t do me any good especially with the whistling in my head now. I turned around with a voice in my head telling me not to; I ignored it I had to. I expected pain and more pain, I expected hurt and darkness growing, I expected something I knew exist yet never did I admit, I expected the one thing I ran away from and here she stood pointing the black cold metal at me. Satisfied, you could read that all over her face for she won once and now she won again. I want to tell her that I’m out of the game and her winning meaning nothing for I’m out but she did not wait, she again pulled the trigger.

 

Thank you for reading this story, its one I wrote some time before but its the first time I post present it here in the granddaughter blog. Please forgive my mistakes I am not much of a story writer but I hope you like this one ^^

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[Poems to My Killer] Farewell Words.


Too proud, strong baby. I won’t kneel, I won’t bow.

I accepted the title, the heartless ice queen.

I was too weak but couldn’t show it.

Just to save my face, I smiled and gave them a heavenly look.

I smiled and poisoned their joy.

I laughed when they thought they won.

I watch from a distant, I hold on to my heart.

I have nothing else to fight for, no one left to hold on to.

I’m frozen inside, the answer is always stay strong.

To hell with all this strength, to hell with all your lies.

I just wanna close my eyes, and to my heart I will hold on and hide.

 

 

Pure Love


Pure that window that I looked upon the world through, pure as a diamond… Hard and so true.

Pure but a window is naught but a cage chaining me.

Until that moment where I broke that window broke my every limit just to be free.

I thought I will taste heaven, I thought I will drink of that beautiful glass pureness.

I opened my eyes to see the real cage, I saw who was being fooled and who was playing onstage.

And out of a hopeless moment, I took that shred of the glass I broke.

I looked upon myself in the reflection, I looked deep and in that moment I woke.

A tear fall in the ground from me.

A cut and a blood drop broke free.

And where they gathered in the ground there I found a tree.

Now I’m saved again. Hiding from life, letting it be.

[Poems to my Killer] Blame


They said love is blind, oh baby you re so blind.

You no longer need the truth, lies you no longer mind.

I have heard them all sweetie, your lies won’t work here.

She have done it all, I have seen it all.

Her lies are living, surviving here near.

Her scent is filling the air making you look like a fool.

He told me, his eyes turning painful ice and that’s what he told me.

He took all his broken pieces and built that wall around him so high.

He’s so good he’s a master, broking down my walls yet I can’t do more just touching his walls and wonder how high he built them.

Ugly, is that feeling when you fall in love with a heart as cold as stones.

Precious and shinning in the outside, cold and cemented inside.

A heart that serve just his purpose of living.

All his feelings are just so beautiful until you try and touch them, they vanish.

All his promises are perfect until you needed them, and they are gone.

All his love unforgettable, that my goal that’s what I need to accomplish.

I wonder if its all true… I wonder if he’s true…

Guilty (Poems to my killer)


I should be crying, if I’m looking in the mirror and not seeing myself I should be crying.

I feel the pain, yet I’m so cemented outside I show no reaction.

I look around trying to find safety, I find darkness swallowing me.

I close my eyes, I pray for my soul to be cleaned of this guilt.

I feel those burning tears trying to breathe, but I’m holding back.

I feel weak, I know I’m weak. Yet I keep my strongest face on.

I see the danger, but like a fool I walk through it then wonder why I get bruised.

Back to being guilty again, I’m sick of this shameless game.

Seeing people walking around, holding guilt like a winning card.

Am I mad??? Or maybe its just guilt giving me illusions???

Like a coward hiding behind my words, I won’t do a thing – I can’t do anything -.

Like a coward writing my killer a poem, begging time to heal my wounds.

Letting guilt win this round; I’m guilty, Can’t deny it can’t turn time around.

A Simple Confession of Jealousy.


They say love is blind, oh baby you are so blind. You play the truth and then you hide, knowing that you are lying baby is hurting my pride. So here I am looking at you, facing you and giving you the whole truth.

I’m jealous of the women you loved, of the ones you will. Of the wind and of your home where you belong, I’m jealous ’cause I can’t own you and you can’t own me. I’m most jealous of everyone that gets to see you smiling or crying, ’cause I wanted to be there for you…  I’m jealous like I’ve never been, I’m jealous and its killing me… I’m jealous and it making me silly, I’m jealous I rhyme classically!

I know you have done nothing wrong, I know you just need to stay strong.

Yet, I can’t be anything but selfish when it comes to you…

I want to write you as my beautiful history, my joyful now and my bright future…

I’m a queen kneeling for you while I should be only kneeling for Pharaohs, giving up my pride and my soul giving you everything giving you my all.

I love you I can’t deny, I love you no matter how hard I fight despite my every try.

I kneel and cry, I never beg I just simply try…

I can’t lose a battle I’ve yet to fight; with you I care nothing ‘bout doing what’s right.

And I miss you, when I laugh when I cry, when I smile when I fly.

I miss you every day, and every day I miss you more.

I will love you here -always- inside my heart, writing poems as if we were never -ever- a day apart.

Here I close my eyes and give you my truth and my love, I will close my eyes and let everything go of.

Jealousy is making it hard for me to love you… Jealousy is the witness of how much I love you.

 

A Good Man in My Life.


“Wake up & shine, I know you wanna stay in bed and hide but baby you’re  the only one who makes me smile, who water those pretty flowers and write the poems that makes even the heart of stones melt. This sun of our day will hide if you’re not there shinning with power and love to this world. Be strong baby.”

Waking up to his words everyday, when my phone rings & read these small letters he never fail to send daily, feels real and make me feel complete even for a few seconds of imagining him mine.

Looking back at my life, he was the only one giving me that feeling yet he was never mine and mostly he won’t be.

Pushing me to fight for another day’s right of breathing, lifting me to find the magic and gold within me, standing up and shielding me from people, sunlight and even myself sometimes.

He’s  a friend and light when I’m lost, he’s a father and sun when I’m sad, he’s love and faith when I’m weak.

The only problem is, he’s not mine and probably won’t ever be.

So,  I shall enjoy my morning bless with ever word he write to me, fearing the day when it’ll be only another one having the right to receive his love and that one can’t be me.  Now I shall leave this bed and go out look into his eyes and find the light to mirror it and shine.

There’s a good man in my life.