The Ghost P.1


The Ghost

•As I planted my heels upon his so-called strong chest, to where his heart lay, my roots found their way through the thick masculinity of his body, into the deepest of his heart…I can see it, he’s going down, sinking so fast and he ain’t fighting it anymore just letting it take over him. I caught him of guard…

“You still believe in” I took a deep breath before saying it “Love???” I was holding his eyes with mine, locking it so I can see or at least try to read that mind of his that was always like a maze to me and now it’s being solved slowly in front of me making me realize how fool I was to find it hard before. “Tell me now, you still love me?!!” moving closer, he was closing the already little space between us, just inches away he stood face so close to mine, his breath already sending shivers all over my body every time it fans my face. We were just trapped into this staring challenge, none of us wanting to break free.

Taking my hand in his, I was watching his every move now waiting to see the knife falling over my heart, holding my hand tight –making sure I won’t be able to run away- he broke free of my the eye challenge never minding that I’m now a winner, he bowed down taking my hands closer to his lips, kissing the back of my hands and letting his lips stay there for second and I was dying, praying they just pass by fast so I can breathe again. Without warning he broke away from the long breathe taking mission of his and crushed my hand over his heart, my heart beating was fast and that moment it went crazy with the same rhyme of his heart. I almost did not hear his voice talking to me with the loud beating of his heart and mine. “That’s what you exactly do to me, you crush everything every feeling every thought every other life but you once you smile that smile for me. If I can’t love you anymore then I can live a human no more”.

He let go of my hand, I thought it’s already over but he went down on both of his knees, head still bowed so I can’t really see into his eyes or read his face. “I’m guilty with loving you as my only dear crime, you either punish me and leave, or forgive my sweet mistake and stay, but I can’t deny it my dear love I’m guilty and will do it all over again every day every second every breathe left for me I’ll fall in love with you again till the only true end of my poor life”. I knew I’m in love with him even if I did not admit it, but right now it feels like he’s doing it all over again and making me fall for him yet again like a school girl having an affair with her first innocent crush, I just lose control when it comes to that part of my heart that beats only for him. He wakes up buried feelings that I thought never existed within my aching heart, he wakes up my every sense with the mere existence of him around. Either joy or pain he is leading my feeling to, he do it very well. Controlling the way I hurt and the way I laugh, making that go making this come back. My love, my sweet painful love, I love you, I love you so much and the same much I yearn to let it out to the whole living world but………… But how am I supposed to cure that wound you opened in my heart??? He did not move or say anything and my tears -I tried so hard to stop them- they were burning me and I needed to let them free, maybe they will wash away some of the pain or turn of the fire burning with me.

I took a few steps back until my back hit the wall and I started going down leaning on it for support so I won’t look too weak than I already feel, and now at the same level –on the same floor we shared smiles over- I can see his face, see his eye and his tears……. And I wonder, I wonder why??? Ain’t you the one who turned this beautiful picture to just some fading colors the rain took away any beauty or meaning it used to hold!!! Ain’t you the one who opened the door of this little heaven for the summer heat to melt away!!! Ain’t you the one who hurt me???

The only thing -might be -forgiving to you now is those memories, the ones you close your eyes in front when you took the knife and plugged it inside of my heart, the same heart that was totally yours, that was beating and still beats for you. I keep looking at you knowing so well that you can’t look me in the eyes and can’t even stop crying for you know that you sin is bigger than that –Shakespearian– confession. God, I acted strong for so long waiting for this moment of victory to satisfy my wounded ego but I did not count a moment of weakness, I did not know I hurt that much and hiding that much pain. I looked up at the ceiling, resting my spinning head on the wall and let out a breathe bothering me for being too heavy, now I should be punishing him for every tear I cried, for every second I passed -yet felt as someone who- died, for every smile I faked, for every joy I missed and most of all for all that love for him I still felt. As my tears dried and I felt a bit strong and human again I looked back at him sitting motionless as if time stopped with him, even his tears, those tears I never saw before, still taking away his strength to come out to this world showing me things I don’t know yet what they actually mean.

•After all that I got up, my knees barely holding me straight and went to him. As a baby he was just following my every move in silence, I took his hands and went to the toilet I washed my face quickly and quietly then turn to him, I already washed my hands with the water still running marking the only sound of life around us, with my hands still wet I washed his face with my still wet hands and again like a mother and a child he was quite all the way while I washed his face from any salty tears left and took a towel drying his face then mine and my hands.

Thinking it’s all just enough for both of us what happened for now, we can breakdown some time later. I took him to my gray couch; I looked at his face planning to tell him one word and then go lock myself in my room but I found him looking at me and before I get the chance to tell him sleep or take a nap he suddenly grabbed my hand sat me on the couch and stunned me, trapped me actually with his head over my lap while he took my left hand between his hands and closed his eyes to sleep but not before telling me “One last time, let me sleep like this just this one last time”.

He closed his eyes, and time was dancing around enjoying those minutes and hours he gets to steal from us when he called for me –while he’s sleeping- “My Queen, oh My Queen”. That’s when I found that my eyes still can run another show and not done yet with tears…. How can he say it again, and thinking I was going to let it go and hold on to him again but he can’t change the truth that he once hurt me and the undeniable hurt will hunt me for some more pain again and again. I ignore that he loves me and that he is guilty too but that won’t stop my heart from beating for his words, for his perfume now lingering all over marking me as his again for my mind in case it hold me back from him again for a second, but I knew that all this won’t matter for I love him…

Always did, always will, his words that I so believed and then it happened to mean nothing when a painful storm clouded our little heaven to commit a shameful murder to our new born love, stealing the future promise we were holding for it, so much pain I felt someone is using my heart to turn off a cigarette, so much emptiness that I felt myself so stupid. I was blind I know that now, handing my whole world to a devil wearing red high-heals over like giving away my old clothes. And the question history and humanity did not know any answer for it yet comes again hitting me like it hit millions of hearts before with the force of a sword stabbing and the criminal here will always end up being your own hand, the question of WHY???

What makes every why hurt even more is knowing that he never closed the back door for her return in case she ever did, so it won’t be hard for her to come back for more and she will come back for more. He said it’s a painful mistake and he’ll never do it again but as sweet those words seem he is even sweeter and he’ll do it again, he loves her??? I never can tell, but he came back to me and that means I’ve the right not to let him go back for her even if she’s true. I get that its selfish of me to do that but if I did not stand up for her hurricane and cleaned all that left of her yesterday storm I won’t be holding you the way I used to, there will be a smell of her sucking the air around us killing more of the dreams we long to share.

While he’s sleeping, I lean closer my right finger toying a little with his hair and my dry lips getting closer to his ears and I whisper what I wanted to say knowing he can’t reply and won’t be looking me in the eye seeing what I’m hiding even from myself. “I can’t forget…. I can’t forget how I loved you or how you lied when I trusted you”, small pearl like tears were dancing over my face down to my chin “I look at you and see beautiful things we shared and cherished, but I see nights without a single moment of sleep and long hours and days of pain, none of them wanting to go away so the other can rest and win”.

Moments passes with no sound then “It was just you”, he was listening to me and his only reply did nothing to stop the pain growing within me, I moved away and let him sleep over the couch while I got up put my shoes on and left everything behind me “I’ll be back” I just needed to be alone and away from you actually but I can get my mind to tell my tongue to say that too, I turn to look at him sitting there looking at the floor “Please don’t leave, yet” I have no idea what was that last part for.

A beautiful night, it’s like never before, like a melody seducing me to stay a little longer and fool around until the sunrise so we can both go home and rest to start it all over later. Loving how this night is stealing from me things I did not want to hold anymore, and I can’t wait for it to take away more of that I don’t want; I know it might feel free to take more than I want to offer but this ain’t the problem now… I just need to live a little peace with this so beautiful night before morning takes it away.

•I left my anger, my pain for the night to toy with, wanting to lose both for something like forever. I came back and now looking trying to find him the one I’m looking for never expecting to find his exactly where I left him. I left him angry, painfully strong and now I came back as a human ignoring all the pain and looking out for everything out there that could be and will be better for us. I walked to him “You are here” I said sounding shocked a little but the joy I felt was so clear there better the words that I went red knowing I didn’t do any good job to hide it, he looked at me with a smile hiding a bit over his manly handsome face. “I have a question, more of a favor actually” I went on saying, he stood up and smiled such a brand new smile that I never saw one like in a long time “Go on”.

“Never smile that smile on your face for anyone else, can you do that???” I felt rude and bossy but happy that his smile was growing and shining more right now still I felt even better knowing that I put it there. I love that smile, always did especially when I do remember that its mine. He started moving closer but just as he was so close he stopped and was looking at something behind me, something I can’t hear or see now as I suddenly felt so heavy like being crushed in my own little world. I looked down, my shirt was getting wet, my shirt was turning red and I looked at him begging for any answer but I only got a look of horror that won’t do me any good especially with the whistling in my head now. I turned around with a voice in my head telling me not to; I ignored it I had to. I expected pain and more pain, I expected hurt and darkness growing, I expected something I knew exist yet never did I admit, I expected the one thing I ran away from and here she stood pointing the black cold metal at me. Satisfied, you could read that all over her face for she won once and now she won again. I want to tell her that I’m out of the game and her winning meaning nothing for I’m out but she did not wait, she again pulled the trigger.

 

Thank you for reading this story, its one I wrote some time before but its the first time I post present it here in the granddaughter blog. Please forgive my mistakes I am not much of a story writer but I hope you like this one ^^

[My] Tolstoy’s Revolution


The one line that kept me thinking while I was sick lately was Tolstoy‘s first line of Anna Karenina, I spent my days in bed thinking of that line again and again.

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

I don’t need to tell how that one line proved over a century ago how smart and witty and simply stunning Tolstoy was, you will need to read one of his beautiful works to understand there’s no other way.

Back to one of the most beautiful beginnings in literature, that line happens to catch a picture of my life [and by saying my life I meant life around me not exactly myself] not just now but my whole life.

For it’s not just me but also everyone in my life face that struggle of/to happiness in a way or another, the only difference is where were you standing or the point you reached with that struggling.

Then that line clouded my mind and I just thought there must be some reason for that, and I started a jealousy fight with Tolstoy’s genius to feed my troubled mind.

Being happy for everyone/all families is being content, that cancels the strive to do things and the need for more so it’s a full stop. That I came to understand from Tolstoy, also the being content is just a bag and everything inside reasons happiness; so to be happy you need to content.

Being unhappy, though it might be in many ways it’s the ultimate result of being not content in some way.

If I thought of it in this way -the way I understood Tolstoy-, I find myself comparing what is supposed to be accepted plainly and what’s wanted or needed.

Living in a Middle Eastern society, you are supposed to accept things as they are or as you are told and that is how you are supposed to be happy. In fact even if I hate politics and avoid talking of it, that is why a whole older generation was against youth in the revolutions in the Arab Spring for simply happiness for them is a full stop and just accepting things as they are even if it’s not normal or fair.

Back to my mind’s fight between content and not content.

Tolstoy, if he believed that happiness or simply “being content” is just everything wouldn’t he simply write a novel and a master piece of pure happiness accepting things as they are and putting the full stop all just in his unique way?!!

Levin’s* complicated portray of Tolstoy made it clear how unbalanced and lost Tolstoy was, he was not content and unhappy and did have and I quote (some religious crisis while writing Anna Karenina) even Levin went through it too.

That man wrote Anna Karenina, and turned a society upside down.

No, his unhappy not content self did that.

The struggle within him did that.

The beautiful out-of-control need did that.

And my mind was finally letting go of jealousy, while looking at my book and reading the name Leo Tolstoy I smiled knowing we share something.

*Constantine Dmitrich Levin is a self portray and a character in Tolstoy’s book Anna Karenina which these thoughts are inspired of.

I’m a Tolstoy fan girl and I need to apologize for his other fans if they came here by chance and did not like what they read, this is a piece of work for just myself joy and pleasure.