[My] Tolstoy’s Revolution

The one line that kept me thinking while I was sick lately was Tolstoy‘s first line of Anna Karenina, I spent my days in bed thinking of that line again and again.

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

I don’t need to tell how that one line proved over a century ago how smart and witty and simply stunning Tolstoy was, you will need to read one of his beautiful works to understand there’s no other way.

Back to one of the most beautiful beginnings in literature, that line happens to catch a picture of my life [and by saying my life I meant life around me not exactly myself] not just now but my whole life.

For it’s not just me but also everyone in my life face that struggle of/to happiness in a way or another, the only difference is where were you standing or the point you reached with that struggling.

Then that line clouded my mind and I just thought there must be some reason for that, and I started a jealousy fight with Tolstoy’s genius to feed my troubled mind.

Being happy for everyone/all families is being content, that cancels the strive to do things and the need for more so it’s a full stop. That I came to understand from Tolstoy, also the being content is just a bag and everything inside reasons happiness; so to be happy you need to content.

Being unhappy, though it might be in many ways it’s the ultimate result of being not content in some way.

If I thought of it in this way -the way I understood Tolstoy-, I find myself comparing what is supposed to be accepted plainly and what’s wanted or needed.

Living in a Middle Eastern society, you are supposed to accept things as they are or as you are told and that is how you are supposed to be happy. In fact even if I hate politics and avoid talking of it, that is why a whole older generation was against youth in the revolutions in the Arab Spring for simply happiness for them is a full stop and just accepting things as they are even if it’s not normal or fair.

Back to my mind’s fight between content and not content.

Tolstoy, if he believed that happiness or simply “being content” is just everything wouldn’t he simply write a novel and a master piece of pure happiness accepting things as they are and putting the full stop all just in his unique way?!!

Levin’s* complicated portray of Tolstoy made it clear how unbalanced and lost Tolstoy was, he was not content and unhappy and did have and I quote (some religious crisis while writing Anna Karenina) even Levin went through it too.

That man wrote Anna Karenina, and turned a society upside down.

No, his unhappy not content self did that.

The struggle within him did that.

The beautiful out-of-control need did that.

And my mind was finally letting go of jealousy, while looking at my book and reading the name Leo Tolstoy I smiled knowing we share something.

*Constantine Dmitrich Levin is a self portray and a character in Tolstoy’s book Anna Karenina which these thoughts are inspired of.

I’m a Tolstoy fan girl and I need to apologize for his other fans if they came here by chance and did not like what they read, this is a piece of work for just myself joy and pleasure.


Cleopatra’s Curse

Cleopatra’s Curse, it might sound like a strange title but the only right one for my insane idea. It took me lots of time & confident to get over the charming power of Cleopatra to add my own scenario that haunted me ever since I read about her, she lived, ruled, sacrificed & died like a true Egyptian Women. A model, an idol figure to all of us, not those girls that use their bodies & low manners as a pathetic way to the world, to us, to a generation that changed a world, fought for freedom, taught the world what being an Egyptian means, that -finally but not lastly- turned a little square in the center of Cairo into a global story missing it was like missing a life time of wonders. To that generation I’m writing a new Cleopatra’s story.

Imagine her, so Egyptian & strong yet captivating & charming, she gets you down on your knees not just with a body or beauty but a unique soul & magic that runs in the Egyptian blood since this blessed land & people appeared in history. Not just a woman, not just a queen, not just a remarkable leader to this nation, Cleopatra is a type of humanity herself, a whole different tale to tell just by being herself, that makes you wonder after her, for her, & finally falling in love with the queen. I won’t take you & dive in all those historical facts -if you’ve ever been to school you sure are aware of most of them- so I’ll just tell you my point of view & let you imagine one of yours or live with mine.

Caesar & Antonio didn’t get half the blame history put on her shoulders even now after hundreds & millions of years still many people look at her as the woman who used her beauty or seduction skills to start wars, jealousy all for her wishes & pleasure, they never even thought bout looking at the whole scene with her eyes, never understood her tragedy.

I might agree a little with the fact that she might had had a seducing skills but not enough to agree that it was the problem because Cleopatra was not that much of a beauty queen to use it in a dangerous way, Plutarch thought that she might be an incomparable beauty but later he admitted that the it was not just beauty. He crushed the fact that being raised & taught by Egyptians made clear in history which is that her charm comes from her voice. I myself ll go with the possible fact that its not just the literal voice he meant it’s words, words are the golden treasure here, words are the truth behind the legendary queen, words are what we missed between the lines of what she left for us, and words are the right question between all the mysteries we are lost within. Here my theory starts with the idea that she was cursed by her own charm.

A fact that I must mention to everyone reading now is that the Ptolemaic rulers never learned Egyptian language they kept using Greek, all except Cleopatra; although she knew that Egyptian was pretty hard she did learn it & to relate herself more to Egypt & Egyptians she related herself to Isis, the Egyptian goddess. She was certainly effected by Egyptian way to much for someone who grows with a family history like hers. Another fact history books sometimes forget is that Cleopatra didn’t take Egypt simply on a gold plate a great country, she certainly did not, Cleopatra took Egypt while it was losing more & more land by each passing day, & everyone was fight over it like a last piece of cake not the Egypt that the world respect. She did a lot for her country, her home, & for the people she loved, a real loyal queen that chose her country over the selfish habits of her ancestors to be herself without fearing anything but losing her country.

From the growing with Egyptians her love just grows, just as her talent & her curse, the curse of words, of being loved. Finally, I’m not giving a history lesson or lecturing you bout my theory I just believe that Cleopatra as the last Pharaoh queen of Egypt deserve a much more than what we denied her, she’s an inspiration to me, she makes me believe that my words can actually be my key to everything, & that beauty only comes from me not from how I look, she tell the story of Egyptian women & how they have the power, talent, revolutions & the beauty of Cleopatra’s curse.

This is not a funny story  not a sad one too, it’s a theory bout words bout truth bout a story that had more than what they say & tells just as they say a fact history already proved to be true : A pen is mightier than a sword, remember words are more powerful than war.

This is dedicated to the writer that taught me love, words, truth, & life, I dedicate this very dear article that shape my -soon to come- 1st novel’s idea, to Aleksandr Kuprin on his 141 birthday, 7 Sept. 2011.

*My hard work is not anyones to joke with, mention where you got it if you wanna take something from the article.*

Things You Won’t Want To Be A Royal For.

  • You’re always followed “a modern way of stalking”.
  • So you can’t ever be alone.
  • You can never show what you really feel.
  • So you put on the mask and smile all the time.
  • So you miss all the sales, the fun, and a big part of being a GIRL.
  • You can’t feel normal, act crazy, shave your hair, or dye it green.
  • So you’re boring or bored or feel like chained all the time.
  • You can’t simply get angry or cry.
  • So you’ve to be a good actor/actress.
  • You can’t ever talk freely, there’s always someone recording.
  • So you’ve to HOLD your tongue ALL the time.
  • You can’t go totally crazy in love.
  • So mostly you’ll live with an empty or broken heart, and in both cases that s**ks.
  • You can’t have Facebook or Twitter normally like humans.
  • So I don’t know exactly what ll you be missing “there’s the fact  that you’ll be safe from Facebook/Twitter addiction”.
  • You can’t be a super fan of @_______ and follow them with tweets everywhere, all the time.
  • So you’ve to hummmmm be not a super fan of @_______ and not follow them with tweets everywhere, all the time.
  • I ran out of reasons.
  • So comment or hastag #neverroyal as much as you can.

Psychiatrist Education

In our Middle East Culture the Psychiatrist is rejected!!!! I always wondered about problem in that?????

Lets take a better look, when you are under stress it can manifest itself in a wide variety of health and other issues, which often leads to even more stress, and as a result, even more health issues. Dr. Melanie Schlatter explain that in the middle east doctor’s web site.

Now for Mental disorder From Wikipedia

“A mental disorder or mental illness is a psychological or behavioral pattern generally associated with subjective distress or disability that occurs in an individual, and which are not a part of normal development or culture. The recognition and understanding of mental health conditions has changed over time and across cultures, and there are still variations in the definition, assessment, and classification of mental disorders, although standard guideline criteria are widely accepted. A few mental disorders are diagnosed based on the harm to others, regardless of the subject’s perception of distress. Over a third of people in most countries report meeting criteria for the major categories at some point in their lives…..”

It’s quit normal for our souls to need care too like our bodies, so give it a chance and look for a solution in a better way.

Dreaming Of A Dream

I don’t know exactly what to write I’m having a hard time, breaking up time. So I’m looking for my dreams which I left one day for someone that left me when I loved him the most. Any way I dreamt of a world that’s no like another world I dreamt of a new me that people love and respect like a true person for what I am I dreamt of a smile that I put on people’s faces when they re sad. I’d many dreams but they all mean nothing in this world so I stopped dreaming and now I’ll start living. I so lost in a world like a maze so even if you don’t think you re lost you’ll. What have you dreamt?? What have you give up??? What do you really want???

For The One Who Broke Her Heart

I felt sorry for myself for so long, not just that but I blamed myself that he hurt me, I blamed myself ’cause he broke my heart, and now I can’t believe I’ve done that to myself over him. I won’t tell my story this time ’cause it’s so familiar. I won’t tell my story this time ’cause memories are already racing throw your mind putting you there where you once was. I won’t tell the story that only our lonely nights know ’bout. Many reasons and one pain, love is the narrator and the designer, and we … we just play the game and eye blinded too, and for the viewers, they watch from a far far far away land, so they hardly do a change in the story in time. Listen, I can’t tell you that you are doing wrong, a really big mistake, and her heart that you broke now, will be yours one day later, ’cause if you think you are smart enough to break a heart then you already know that. What you don’t know and won’t know before too late, is that that girl you destroyed today, will get stronger and will wait for you to fall and come back running to her to tell you “now tell me, how bad it hurt?!” with a wide smile. “What you take today, will be taken tomorrow” Next time you break a girl’s heart imagine her smiling while you cry just like now………